Kursa: 'Ello, Miss? Cat Salesman: What do you mean "miss"? Kursa: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint! Cat Salesman: We're closin' for lunch. Kursa:
Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this kitty what I
purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique. Cat Salesman: Oh yes, the, uh, the Persian...What's,uh...What's wrong with it? Kursa: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it! Cat Salesman: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting. Kursa: Look, matey, I know a dead kitty when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now. Cat Salesman: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable cat, the Persian, idn'it, ay? Beautiful fur! Kursa: The fur don't enter into it. It's stone dead. Cat Salesman: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting! Kursa:
All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the
cage) 'Ello, Mister kitty kitty! I've got a lovely fresh pepper for you
if you show...(Cat Salesman hits the cage) Cat Salesman: There, he moved! Kursa: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage! Cat Salesman: I never!! Kursa: Yes, you did! Cat Salesman: I never, never did anything... Kursa:
(yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO KITTY!!!!! Testing!
Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! (Takes kitty out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.) Kursa: Now that's what I call a dead kitty. Cat Salesman: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned! Kursa: STUNNED?!? Cat Salesman: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Persians stun easily, major. Kursa:
Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this.
That kitty is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an
hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it
bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged stretch. Cat Salesman: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the Isle of Refuge. Kursa:
PININ' for the ISLE OF REFUGE?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look,
why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home? Cat Salesman: The Persian prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable cat, id'nit, squire? Lovely fur! Kursa:
Look, I took the liberty of examining that kitty when I got it home,
and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting in the cage
in the first place was that it had been NAILED there. (pause) Cat
Salesman: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that
cat down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with
its paws, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee! Kursa: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this cat wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised! Cat Salesman: No no! 'E's pining! Kursa:
'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This kitty is no more! He has ceased
to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of
life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the cage 'e'd be
pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's
off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal
coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!
THIS IS AN EX-KITTY!! (pause) Cat Salesman: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Cat Salesman: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of kittys. Kursa: I see. I see, I get the picture. Cat Salesman: I got a gnoll. (pause) Kursa: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it purr? Cat Salesman: Just mutters something about ruining our lands. Kursa: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!? Cat Salesman: They should have a cat at the pet shop in Nektulos Forest. Kursa: Right.
Brizzy Willbender Charming the hearts and minds of yellow cons since 1999.
